Why is it always me?
How do I always manage to get myself into the most bizarre situations?
Ok, enough with the rhetorical questions, let me explain myself by using today as an example. So a few hours ago I was happily sitting on the train, on my way to meet a friend after work. I was minding my own business, headphones in and music blasting as usual, when a guy jumped onto the seat next to me.
Nothing strange about that, it’s a free country: people can sit wherever they like on public transport vehicles.
A little while later I could’ve sworn that he’d tapped me on the shoulder and so I removed one of my headphones and looked up at him. But he appeared to be fully engrossed in playing a game of Candy Crush on his phone. Ah well, maybe I just imagined it. Not particularly fazed by this I was turning back towards the window when in the reflection I caught a glimpse of the strangest scene. Behind my back, the Candy Crush guy had scooted over in his seat and appeared to have his nose buried in my hair!
Yeah sure, everyone loves the aroma of a Herbal Essences washed head, but seriously who does that?!
Whipping my head around in a sharp 180 degree turn I gave him the most intense look that I could muster and which in my head translated as ‘back away crazy man or I’ll show you what crazy really is!’, holding my bag in a death-grip all the while. But little did I know that the best was yet to come. Because the next thing I knew Candy Crush guy had dropped onto the floor… on one knee, uttering 6 words that made me wish for a black hole to magically appear and swallow me up. “Hey, wanna get married to me?”
I pinched myself, but I wasn’t dreaming. This had to be a wind-up.
Feeling beyond confused and donning what can only be described as an utterly shell-shocked expression, I politely but firmly declined his proposal. I’d also like to mention that by this point my face was bright red, my cheeks burning like hot cakes, because everyone in the carriage had their eyes on me.
He took the rejection pretty well, all things considered, and then generously offered me what looked like a flattened rice krispie cake from his pocket, for being such a ‘sweetheart’ (no I did not touch it). Grinning, he then shook my limp hand before jumping off the train and walking away with an air of nonchalance like the last 5 minutes had never even happened!
And so I repeat, why is it always me?!
Annoyingly, when I later told my friends about my surreal experience, they weren’t even surprised. Typical Sharan, they said. I attract such bizarre scenarios wherever I go I’ve been told by them countless times. And it’s true! I always have a new unbelievable story to tell whenever I speak to anyone. I’m just that person. It’s always just my luck.
And I’d be writing all night if I decided to list all of the ridiculous things that have happened to me over the years. So here are just a few to whet your appetite:
- There was the morning that I was home-alone, went down to sign for a postal delivery and accidentally locked myself in the porch for 6 hours in the middle of Winter. Without my phone, wearing nothing but a vest and shorts, I missed an entire day of work which I had to then register as a sick-day to save myself the embarrassment of explaining to my boss what had really happened!
- Then there was that infamous job interview. The Senior Magazine Editor, a respectable looking man, opted to fire questions at me whilst riding around the meeting room on a miniature skateboard! No, I kid you not. And while that was indeed extremely strange, the icing on the cake had to be his high-fives. Every time I mentioned something about my time at university, this guy would attempt to high-five me. I say ‘attempt’ because he never once managed to actually hit my palm, but it was pretty hilarious watching him try whilst balancing on a skateboard and wearing a three-piece suit and smart pointy shoes!
- And of course there was the moment of silence that I ruined on one Remembrance Day back in school. An assembly of 500 students and teachers all turned their heads to give me the most intense evils that I’ve ever felt, all because I accidentally blasted Britney Spears’ Toxic from my phone on full-volume and couldn’t switch it off for the longest 40 seconds of my life!
- Or the incident when I decided to be helpful for once in my life and do some dusting at home. It’s safe to say that I got a bit carried away and somehow ended up completely shattering the giant rectangular mirror that had covered the living room wall since before I was born! On the upside, I rarely ever get asked to partake in housework anymore.
- And then there was the time that I suffered from a mysterious food allergy causing my top lip to swell up like a balloon just before I had to go take a 3 hour written exam! Sitting there in the examination hall with all of my course-mates eyeballing me, I looked like an unfortunate hybrid of Marge Simpson and Pete Burns!
But oh well, as much as I sometimes curse being the clown, at least there’s never a dull moment with me. And you (and I) absolutely, positively never know what I’m going to do next… 😀