In a state of isolation and defiance you’ve somehow contorted all of our characters in your mind. You see us through the reflection of a deceptive carnival mirror, convinced that it’s an accurate image. But it’s not. We are not those people. We’ve tried to explain this to you, over and over again. But you won’t hear it.
That lens is super glued in place. How do we remove it? How do we reach out to you when you don’t want to be reached? You hide away and avoid us at all costs, shying away from all forms of social interaction. But do you not see how that’s a form of self harm? We’re all on your side, we always have been. Why are you so hell bent on keeping distance between us?
Your bitterness is growing in intensity day by day. You shun feelings of happiness in favour of your own solitude in a small vacant house. And the effects of this are plain to see. Your weakened joints and greying hair. Your dull skin and deep set lines all give away how you’re feeling inside. That anger and pain that you’re carrying around is like a cancer that’s consuming you. It’s extinguished the light in your eyes and the sparkle in your smile. It’ll continue to eat away at you until there’s nothing left. But it’s like you take solace from it.
You like the feeling it gives you. It tells you that you’re right and can never be wrong. It tells you that everyone has a hidden agenda. It tells you that your version of events are fact and everyone’s else’s are fiction. It tells you to hold onto grudges even if they drain you out in the process. It tells you that life is about point scoring. It tells you that no one is good enough. And it tells you to never forgive and never forget.
So you listen to it. And you choose it over us.
For over a year you’ve showered us with silence and then exploded with anger when we’ve failed to guess what you want. It’s like walking on an endless road of eggshells. Poor communication skills and sky high expectations are a lethal combination. But what’s the solution?
Do we respect your need for space, put our feelings aside and leave you to it? Should we just hope and pray that you’ll develop a sense of self-awareness and face all of your demons head on by yourself?
But what if you’re not strong enough to do that? What if that plan back fires and you’re plummeted even further into that dark pit that you’ve set up camp in? Can it get any worse at this point? I honestly don’t know.
I do know that you’re hurting. And it doesn’t sit well with me that you’ve been reduced to this version of you. I don’t recognise her. But then again, you probably don’t either. You can’t be enjoying any of this.
Had someone told me two years ago that our dynamic would become so strained and non-existent, I would’ve laughed hysterically in their face. Funny how things pan out, now the joke’s on us.